By Tahirih Bushey M.A.C.C.C.
Speech and Language Patholog
Teaching complaining
We cannot always do the things we wish to do. Or spend time with only our favorite people. Or have everything go as we had hoped. This dissapointing truth is the cause for much complaining.
Complaining is a kind of relief valve. We use it when we know we need to cope with an issue that is less than ideal.
What do we complain about? listen to our daily conversations, the little chats we have with nearly everyone we meet, you will notice that we do a lot of complaining. We complain about the weather, the traffic, our relatives, our government, the cost of gas, and the lack of time in our lives.
Kids complain too. They complain about going to bed, wearing certain clothes, dinner choices, sharing toys, their parents paying too much attention to siblings, not getting candy at the store, and mom talking on the phone.
Why is it important to know how to complain?
Communication serves many purposes, but surely one of the most important functions must be the function of complaining, given how common it is. Notice that complaining is not the same as refusing, shutting down, or otherwise becoming overwhelmed with annoying things in life. We often complain instead of refusing or becoming overwhelmed. Complaining is even one step less assertive than protesting.
Imagine I don’t like playing Dodge Ball. I might choose to complain about the game to a classmate. But I don't refuse to play it when the gym teacher barks out directions. This way, I feel better but don’t get sent to the Principal office.
Some people say that complaining is what you do when you have no intention of changing your situation. Complaining acts as an emotional safety valve in these situations. You still do whatever it is that you have to do. But at least you are able to process your feelings about having to do something you don't like by expressing your feelings out loud!
It might be nice to have children who do what they should without complaining. But the reality is that human beings have a range of negative responses to life and this is a good thing. Complaining is one of the range of negative responses that most of us actually need to have. Children with ASD may need to be taught how to use the full range, including complaining.
Black and white thinking
Your child may not understand that complaining is an option. Most children with ASD are very black and white thinkers. Either they love to do a particular activity, or they refuse to participate at all!
Kids with autism often have seemingly overly intense emotional responses. When you teach your child the option of complaining, you are trying to help him or her learn to interpret negative feelings in a way that might serve to damp down the feelings to a more comfortable intensity.
You want your child to be able to distinguished between different types of negative emotions or perhaps it is more accurate to say you want your child to interpret emotions in a variety of ways. For example, you might want your child to believe that it is possible to dislike things but not dislike them enough to protest violently. You want your child to understand that sometimes it is possible to say I don’t like this rather than I won’t do this.
So we teach complaining as a process of saying how we feel but not letting the feeling dictate our behavior in every situation.
Complaining words
Here are some examples of phrases we can use to complain:
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This is hard!
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I don’t like this.
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Darn it!
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I don’t want to…
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Not so good.
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kinda yucky!
To which conversational partners reply...
You can reply with whatever might feel like an appropriate acknowledgment of the complaint. However, it is important not to allow your child's complaint to turn into a refusal.
Useful responses include:
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I know this is hard! I know this is not your favorite thing! I know this is not something you don’t want to do! Yucky!
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I will help you!
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You are brave to do this.
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I am proud of you because it is hard for you but you still do it.
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Big boy/girl!
You can decide on and teach acceptable ways for your child to complain
The way each family complains is unique. Listen to what you say in your family and model this for your child. Use appropriate versions that are short, easy to say, and not likely to get your child in trouble at school.
If there are two people to model complaining, even better! For example, one person could complain about an apparently unpleasant task in front of your child. The other person can sympathize. The important things is that complainer then clearly carries on with the unpleasant task in relatively good spirits.
More ideas to teach complaining
For some situations, you may choose to explicitly teach your child that he or she can tell you when something is not pleasant and you will sympathize and he or she will do it anyway. With some kids, you can discuss that sometimes we need to do unpleasant things, get along with unpleasant people, or continue after an unpleasant event, but verbal discussions can be a bit like water off a duck's back with children who have ASD. It is far more powerful to create a video model or write a story. Here is an example of a story that you could write and read to your child that would communicate the idea of complaining to your child:
Anna Goes To New Places
Sometimes Anna goes to new places. Anna does not like to go to new places. Anna can say, “I don’t like this!” Mommy will say, “I know it is hard for Anna to go new places.” Mommy will listen when Anna tells Mommy it is hard. Anna is a big girl and she goes to new places even though she does not like it.
This story could be filled out with simple examples of new places that Anna did not like going to the first time. In each remembered situation, Anna complains and Anna goes to the new place, and Mommy tells Anna she is a big girl. If this was the case, you may want to remind Anna in the story that going to the new place was not so bad the second time. This way, the story can help Anna anticipate that going to new places will be easier the second time.
Recently, one of my young friends was very upset that his TV program was not offered at the regular time. As he started to demonstrate how upset this made him by throwing his toys, his mother wisely joined him in his outrage and told him that she would help him write a letter to the TV station. They got on the computer where this child often writes stories with his mother on a program called Writing with Symbols (which uses lots of visual icons and reads the words out loud as the word is typed). They wrote scathing complaint to the TV station and mailed it off that day. They brought me a copy of the letter and my young friend was still a little outraged but terribly proud of the letter he had written. What a wonderful example of teaching Complaining!
Remember: this version of complaining is for situations that are hard but unavoidable. It is important that your child does not end up avoiding the situation or you are actually teaching another communication function... refusal. That's a whole 'nother story!