By Tahirih Bushey M.A.C.C.C.
Speech & Language Pathologist

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Taking turns is hard to learn!

Think of the objective of learning to take turns as a step-by- step process. You will systematically demonstrate, game-by-game and activity-by-activity how taking turns works and when it is expected.

Don't think of taking turns as a moral imperative, think of this as a skill

Think of taking turns as a procedure that can be learned, not as a moral imperative. From your child’s perspective, taking turns may look like a losing proposition. He or she may not be aware that the item or opportunity will come again. Your child may not find it easy to see another person playing with a toy in a way that is not the same way he or she would play with that toy. He or she may not understand that it can be fun to see what others do, and fun to take turns. And, your child may simply be confused about how the procedure of taking turns works.

You will need to make a persuasive argument to convince your child that taking turns is tolerable, let alone fun. Showing video clips of turn taking can help you make this argument. Certainly, a video will help your child see what you are suggesting. Using a visual support like a first/then card to tell your child that first it will be Mommy's turn and then it will be Andrew's turn, may help. The video clip that we have on You Tube is about the order of two activities but a first/then card can be about turns as well.

But make your own video if you can because this will help your child see what you mean about taking turns. The video will be about the procedure or routine of turn taking. It may also need to be stressed on the video that each person may do something different on their turn. A social story about taking turns might stress that watching different people take a turn is fun, that friends give each other a turn, that people are happy when they get a turn and happy when others get a turn.

If your child is young or not very skilled at taking turns, start simple. Pass items back and forth. Model passing an item back and forth with someone else first in a video or in real life. In the beginning, if you need to, gently take an item out of your child’s hand saying, Mommy's turn! Then give the object swiftly back to your child again, and say Anna's turn! Each time, pass the item back with a smile. Don't even respond to fussing if this occurs as it usually stops as soon as the child sees the pattern. But find another way to teach the skill if your child becomes truly upset.

When practicing this routine, pass a spoon, a stick or something that is not so interesting to your child. But pass it back and forth in an interesting way to make this game fun. For example, pat your own chest with the palm of your hand to indicate My turn. Then do a wind up and point toward your child when you say Your turn.

Other ways to teach Taking Turns

You can teach taking turns in another way too. Two or more people can do something one after another, like knocking down a stack of blocks. Announcing the person’s turn helps make it clear whose turn it is. Any activity can be used to teach turn-taking. For example, announce turns while putting lotion on first one child’s hand and then on another child’s hand. Call it taking turns when you put food on everyone's dish at dinner. Daddy's turn for peas. Andy's turn for peas. Mommy's turn for peas.

Practice taking turns with lots of items - but not your child's most cherished toy. Video modeling may make it easier for your child to understand if it is required that your child learn to take turns with a cherished item or activity — such as taking turns on the computer or sitting up front with dad while driving the big lawn mower. Make a little video showing your child taking a turn, followed by another person taking a turn and then your child taking another turn. Make the turns longer in some games so that your child does not think that all turns are short. The Can I Have an Engine 1 and Can I have an Engine 2, clips on the side bar are examples of much longer turns and would only work as a video model to help you teach turn taking if you pointed out that each girl got a turn "asking" for trains.

Use Family Dolls to demonstrate turns by just showing each person taking a turn using the doll that represents that person. You may want to use these dolls or another strategy visual strategy to help your child understand how long turns are suppose to be. Your child may need to know how to determine when it is time for someone else to get a turn. Timers, counting, even a song that tells when a turn is over and a new person's turn is starting may help.

Sometimes, getting a turn is not what your child wants, such as Your turn for brushing teeth. Here, using a doll to represent your child, it is possible to teach your child that teeth will only be brushed for the duration of, say, a tooth-brushing song. The next verse in the song may be something much more fun like tickle-time, if tickling is enjoyable for your child.

"You need to share!"

DON'T try to teach your child to give others a turn with toys by saying over and over, You need to share. This strategy does not work well. Many children are just confused and don’t know what to do when they are told to share.

Sharing really is complicated and confusing. Try entering the word "share" into this online dictionary and see how complex the word is. Sometimes sharing means giving mom a French fry. Sometimes it means giving mom a sip of your juice.

If that were not confusing enough, sharing could also mean giving half of the cookies to your cousin. Or, being told to Pass the toy to your brother! It could even mean having to let some kid you don't even know play in your room with all your toys!

Sharing is complicated, turn taking is easier

Sharing is very complicated and social in nature. For this reason it is best to just not forcefully teach this concept until you and your child can have complex conversation. At that point, you will need to explain all these social complexities.

Instead of trying to explain the complex idea of sharing, teach Turn Taking. It is a more concrete concept.

Taking turns with a drum

Here is a way that you might start to teach taking turns using a single drum. Bring a drum out and pound on it and say "Daddy's turn." Wait until you child tries to take the drum stick, then deliberately hand him or her the drum stick and say, "Andre's turn. Daddy has to wait."

After your child has had a couple of minutes with the drum, say, "Daddy's turn." Then take the drum stick and pound briefly, smile and say, "Andre's turn, again."

Continue this pattern. Make your turns very short and return the drum stick to your child very quick. You may want to do something interesting with the drum stick when you have it. You might count to five as you pound, or drum on the underside of the drum. It may be more rewarding for your child if during your turn your child sees some cool new idea.

After Turn Taking is well established, you could introduce the word "share" by saying, "Daddy and Andre are sharing the drum!"

Even then, the word Share may not be a feel good word for your child until the fun of playing together is established by many good experiences. That is what playing these games is all about.

Taking turns in the household

Taking turns is not just about playing, it is also about

  • doing chores
  • playing different roles in pretend play
  • being the one to make a choice.

While teaching this idea, use the words turn taking in many different ways. For example, "Mommy's turn to drive" and then next time "Daddy's turn to drive." Or "Sara's turn to choose a movie to watch" and later "Daddy's turn to choose a movie to watch." Make sure you switch roles of teller, planner, follower, giver, worker, driver, listener, and so on around often while explicitly teaching the idea of turn taking in each activity.

Teaching turn taking is a long project and with children who have ASD, and each variation may need to be explicitly taught.

The payoff is a child who will have much less difficulty being flexible about who can do what in the household. If you don't teach turn taking, children with ASD will often try to pressure family members into inflexible roles and behavior patterns.

The list of inflexible roles and rules that have been assigned in families by an insistent youngster with ASD is long and sometimes amusing (though not for the family living with a little rule-maker day in and day out). I knew one child who felt that he was the only person who should open and close doors in the house. Another felt that only mom should feed him breakfast, even if she had to get to work early and dad was home for the day.

If you will teach the idea of turn taking (and use the words often), you can always fall back on these words if your child becomes insistent on something that makes no sense. If your child insists on driving a certain route to Grandma’s house even though you need to drive a different way, you can say, "Mommy's turn to choose the roads today."